During Counseling

• Affirm the victim's courageous act — that of coming to you for help. She/he is probably fearful, depressed, discouraged, confused, and somewhat disorganized. Your affirmation may encourage the victim to deal with the situation.

• Be attentive and patient. Listen carefully. Observe non-verbal language.

• Believe the victim. What is initially shared is probably an understatement of the violence.

• Say to the victim: "Whatever happened, the abuse is not your fault. You did not deserve to be hit." For reassurance, repeat it - again and again. DO NOT ask, "Did you say or do something to provoke the abuser's anger?"

• DO NOT interview a victim and an abuser as a couple or attempt to counsel a victim and an abuser together with the hope that it will result in stopping the violence.

• Influence of alcohol or drugs: Research indicates substance abuse does not cause the violence when the abuser is under its influence. Abusers generally plan violence to maintain power over and control of the victim. They need treatment for both violent and addictive behavior. (Substance abuse is present in 50% of domestic violence cases and addicted abusers generally commit more serious physical abuse.)

• Make the health and safety of the victim your primary goal. Ask, "Are you in danger?" VPCSWI can provide a safe place for women and/or help both men and women obtain an order of protection. If the victim decides to return home, advise her/him to contact VPCSWI where a counselor can assist with safety planning for her/him and the children.³ Provide the VPCSWI phone number¹ and offer the use of your phone.

• DO NOT make "holding the family together" your goal. DO NOT advise the victim to return to the hell of a violent relationship. DO NOT promise that the abuser will change or that the promises not to do it again will be kept. DO NOT be quick to advise the victim to forgive the abuser. The abuser needs expert, long-term treatment, and when successfully completed and he/she and the victim want to salvage their marriage, then talk about marriage counseling and getting back together.

• Promise your continued support. Talk with her/him regularly, and answer religious and spiritual questions: "What did I ever do to deserve this?" "What does the Bible/church teach about spouse and child abuse?" "About divorce?" If the victim is a woman, DO NOT quote Ephesians 5:22, unless she asks about it. Then explain the verse in its context.

• Keep everything confidential - between the two of you. DO NOT violate the victim's trust. DO NOT confront the abuser without the victim's permission. In your first session, advise the victim to contact VPCSWI to help prepare a safety plan.³

Suggestions

• Play it safe if a victim phones and asks you to come to a residence and speak to the abuser. Ask to speak with the abuser on the phone. If that is possible, attempt to arrange a meeting with the abuser in a safe place. If that is not possible and you decide to go to the residence, consider taking a law enforcement officer with you.

• Make certain the victim knows you are opposed to domestic violence and that you are available for her/his support. Periodically address the issue of domestic violence in sermons and classes. Provide a safe referral service to victims by placing posters throughout the church - on bulletin boards and in restrooms - that list the phone numbers of domestic violence programs.

• DO NOT become emotionally or sexually intimate with the victim. The victim is needy and in the midst of a crisis and does not need to deal with your sexual feelings.

• During pre-marital counseling sessions, ask each person if there is a history of violence and/or addiction - alcohol or drugs - in his/her family. (Statistical studies have indicated that children of abusers and/or addicts are high risks for becoming abusers and/or addicts themselves.)

Minimum Preparation for Church Leaders

However contacted...

• by visit to the church leader's office

• a telephone request to talk in a home to an abuser

• information or suspicion that a congregation member is in an abusive situation

...a church leader needs to be prepared to make an appropriate response to the person revealing that she/he and her/his children suffers physical abuse from a spouse or friend.

Minimum preparation should include:

1. Know the resources available for dealing with the situation:

·         What domestic violence programs are available in the area?

·         Where can the victim be referred for assistance?

·         Where can the abuser be referred for counseling?

2. Understand the dynamics of domestic violence. Such an understanding could result in a new attitude and approach toward domestic violence that will not escalate a situation a leader might encounter in his/her ministry.
3. Be familiar with Biblical and church teachings about family violence. This knowledge can answer the victim's religious questions.

Resources

The Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois provides comprehensive services for victims of domestic violence and their children.

Provident Counseling in Swansea, Illinois, (618-235-5656) provides counseling and treatment for abusive partners.

Marie M. Fortune:

Books: Violence in the Family (Pilgrim Press, 1991)

Keeping The Faith (Harper, 1987)

Video: "Broken Promises: Religious Perspectives on Domestic Violence"

Purchase books and video from: The Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence, 936 North 34th Street, Seattle, WA 98103

.

Al Miles: Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know (Fortress Press, 2000)

Striving to Be Violence Free . . . A Guidebook for Creating a Safety Plan

Purchase from: Perspectives Inc., 3381 Gorham Ave., St. Louis Park, MN55426

This material was produced through collaboration among members of the Faith Committee and the 20th Judicial Circuit Family Violence Coordinating Council, though it doesn't necessarily represent the views of all the members of the Council or the judicial circuit.